It's been too long...

Today, I feel compelled to write something, anything in this blog. It has been such a draining month emotionally. I have lost 5 friends to CF in the last 6 weeks....6 weeks, a blink in time. Courtney, I was prepared for. She had suffered tremendously for such a long time, she was a true warrior. When she passed on, I felt relief for her. She no longer hurt or was suffering and she went on her own terms surrounded by her family. Q, or Paul, I knew he was ready to meet his maker. We had several conversations regarding this topic, right up to a few days before his death. When I learned he had died in his favorite chair with his mom by his side, I felt at peace for him. He was very torn, he did not want his parents to have to worry about him and it seemed he was hell bent on dying alone. I was glad he didn't and that final good byes were said. The others are a different story. One cyster succumbed to H1N1's complications., I felt that she would pull through but when I learned of her death, I was beyond shocked. Ginger had a small boy and a very loving husband, this shit just does not happen to good people. Right? I want to believe that but it isn't real life, I know that but I try to convince myself otherwise.

Now there is Mel...who met her savior today at 4:28 am. I am reeling from all of the emotions that are in my heart and mind. I can't control them, I can't control my crying...it seems that I have been doing that for months now. Mel death is hitting me very hard, we had many chats , in fact she joked about how she was going back into the clinker when I was coming out and that we could wave at each other as we passed each other on the road. That was Mel...always with a sense of humor and quick witted even on her shitty days. That was the last time I was able to chat with her. I sincerely felt she was going to pull through this, that this would not be her last admission and that we would have more opportunities to share laughter. But again, God had different plans...he needed her more. It does comfort me some that she did not suffer in the end and that Jada was at her bedside until her final breath. I can do nothing else now but to pray for her daughter and husband as well as for her close friends and family...even so, all of this just seems inadequate. I want to do more and feel so utterly helpless that I can't. Absolutely nothing I do will change the fact that some of my closest cysters and fibros are now gone and I am heartbroken.

I just want to toss this fucking disease to the deepest depths of the ocean and leave it there. I hate what it does to my fellow friends who have it and the losses that we experience because of it. It makes me weary and want to toss in the towel sometimes, I would be lying if I didn't think about just letting things run their course without all of the IV's, meds and machines that have kept me alive for as long as they have. But then something happens, something makes me think about why I want to fight and be here for a while longer. Usually it is thinking about my kids, that nearly always does the trick. They need me, I need them and that fuels the fighting fires. After all, I have defied the odds so often, why not do it again? Of course, there will come a time when it will be time to say my final good byes, when being here hurts too much and I will know when it is time. But for now, rest assured, I am here to fight another day.

Hugs for all of my cysters and fibros who are mourning losses, who are fighting for their lives, who battle this disease every day.

Until next time,
Jenn